For those that know me tell me if this describes me!
Avoidant personality disorder (APD or AvPD) or Anxious personality disorder (APD) is a personality disorder from the DSM handbook, characterized by a pervasive pattern of social inhibition, feelings of inadequacy, extreme sensitivity to negative evaluation and avoidance of social interaction. People with avoidant personality disorder often consider themselves to be socially inept or personally unappealing, and avoid social interaction for fear of being ridiculed, humiliated, rejected or disliked. They typically present themselves as loners and report feeling a sense of alienation from society.
Avoidant personality disorder is usually first noticed in early adulthood, and is associated with perceived or actual rejection by parents or peers during childhood. Whether the feeling of rejection is due to the extreme interpersonal monitoring attributed to people with the disorder is still disputed.
The American Psychiatric Association's DSM-IV-TR, a widely used manual for diagnosing mental disorders, defines avoidant personality disorder as a "pervasive pattern of social inhibition, feelings of inadequacy, and hypersensitivity to negative evaluation, beginning by early adulthood and present in a variety of contexts, as indicated by four (or more) of the following:
Avoidant personality disorder is often confused with antisocial personality disorder; clinically the term 'antisocial' denotes a disregard for society's norms and rules, not social inhibitions.
Research suggests that people with avoidant personality disorder, in common with social phobics, excessively monitor their own internal reactions when they are involved in social interaction. However, unlike social phobics they also excessively monitor the reactions of the people with whom they are interacting. The extreme tension created by this monitoring may account for the hesitant speech and taciturnity of many people with avoidant personality disorder. They are so preoccupied with monitoring themselves and others that producing fluent speech is difficult.
Avoidant personality disorder is reported to be especially prevalent in people with anxiety disorders, although estimates of comorbidity vary widely due to differences in (among others) diagnostic instruments. Research suggests that approximately 10–50% of the people who have a panic disorder with agoraphobia have APD, as well as about 20–40% of the people who have a social phobia (social anxiety disorder). Some studies report prevalence rates of up to 45% among the people with generalized anxiety disorder and up to 56% of the people with obsessive-compulsive disorder. Although it is not mentioned in the DSM-IV, earlier theorists have proposed a personality disorder which has a combination of features from borderline personality disorder and avoidant personality disorder, called "avoidant-borderline mixed personality" (APD/BPD).
The cause of avoidant personality disorder is not clearly defined, and may be influenced by a combination of social, genetic, and psychological factors. The disorder may be related to temperamental factors that are inherited. Specifically, various anxiety disorders in childhood and adolescence have been associated with a temperament characterized by behavioral inhibition, including features of being shy, fearful, and withdrawn in new situations.
Many people diagnosed with avoidant personality disorder have had painful early experiences of chronic parental and or societal criticism or rejection. The need to bond with the rejecting parents makes the avoidant person hungry for relationships but their longing gradually develops into a defensive shell of self-protection against repeated criticisms.
People with avoidant personality disorder are preoccupied with their own shortcomings and form relationships with others only if they believe they will not be rejected. Loss and rejection are so painful that these individuals will choose to be lonely rather than risk trying to connect with others.
I wish I could be more like other people at times. I realize I'm different. I can't say I have accepted my faults, limitations, and frailties. Take the concept of acceptance off the table as I'm not sure I've come to acknowledge them.
With mental illness a lot has to do with how people perceive life and reality. The question is am I just this way or am I sick? How do I cope and live the rest of my life. Only I know sometimes how black my world can be and how dark my life can seem. I can't even begin to recount the countless and numerous times I've felt like my life was worthless and how I should end it. To me it seems I never seem to please others around me, and even my self. So I became my own worst enemy
People say I'm always negative but in my mind I have an idea of how things should go and the outcomes…just never end up coming true. I have my own idea of a world that is just and fair, perhaps it doesn't match theirs.
I don't want to feel inadequate all the time. I wanted to be noticed…for something positive. So how I live my life, how I want other people see me is dictated by a fear of rejection. I never wanted to be judged or criticized. Do I seem over sensitive to criticisms, if so it's because I take everything personal.
I want to like what I see when I look in the mirror? To me it seems I have more shortcomings than strengths. I think if only I was smart and successful people would love me and respect me. But it doesn't matter how many books I read, how many new things I learn, the clothes I but, the makeup I wear…I can never shake the insecurities.
I don't want to be an emotional leech where my happiness depends upon others. I don't want to drag other people down with me. I want someone who can love me back in the same way I love them, but to me from my end…sometimes I feel unloved. I feel it's easy for me to give and love other. Perhaps I have to learn just because someone doesn't love me the way I want them to doesn't mean they don't love me with all they have.
I wonder sometimes do certain feelings and thoughts come from. Out of nowhere? Now I have some idea and insight into those feelings of inadequacy, jealousy, insecurity and feeling like I can never measure up in life, love, friendships.
There was a time I've given up on my own aspirations like wanting to draw, writing, and playing music because I wasn't good enough for myself.
No really knows what I go through. No one really understands or knows me. No one really understands the pain that I feel sometimes. It's not unusual for me to think of several self hate related things about my self in a day. I wish people would be non judgmental and love and accept me unconditionally. I wonder how much my feelings have to do with me transgendered or some form of default predilection. I don't know where disentangle cause from effect.
After years of introspection I may have some answers in piecing together and understanding myself. Do I have an answer? The other day I stumbled across reading a description of Avoidant Personality Disorder. In ways it seems to describe me to a "T"
But that scares me. It explains the things I feel when I feel that way. I can relate when I read the description. I just don't know where to go forward from there. I don't even know where to begin on how to correct myself
Right now nothing is right with the world. What was once left is right...up is down and so on. That's how i feel. I'm begging to just go with it. I'm thinking not to doubt or second guess my own feelings or instincts. For once I don't feel guilty.
How can you be happy and sad at once?
How can one be satisfied yet unsatisfied...frustrated yet complacent?
How can you know what you want but not want it