?

Log in

No account? Create an account
Recent Entries Friends Archive Profile Tags To-Do List
 
 
 
 
 
 
My goals for 2012


  • Record with my quintet
  • Play more gigs
  • Compose more score type music maybe for a film or something
  • Find some sort of carear or job doing something...Transgender/GLBT/HIV outreach
  • Potentially go to school for Electroylsis
  • Take care of myself a bit more.
  • Loose weight at least 25 or so pounds!
  • Travel somewhere outside of Colorado/Denver
  • Get my own apartment somewhere(flawless non bullshit job is needed of course)
  • Find a boyfriend!
 
 
 
 
 
 
Edit
Rules are meant to be broken
by Elizabeth Toni Clair on Saturday, July 9, 2011 at 1:01pm ·

Since I have been turned down, passed over, not hired for whatever reason for god knows whatever ever reason for god knows how many jobs. You name it I've applied to work there (Aiport, governement, call center, hotels, ski resorts, retail, food,education, healthcare)I figured why do I even bother to try my hand at going about things this way...there is no real order to life or any rules. We buy into thinkint there are some sorta rules that govern and dictate sway over us.

I've put so much stress on myself to the point where i've been plagued with depression and thoughts of suicide. This pressure to "BE" something.

I figure my next venture should be to be a hip hop producer or an A&R at a record company. Even though im still a jazz musician at heart lol. I can write melodies, understand harmony, arranging and orchestration, composition...why not. These are jobs that I wish I could do. I feel that i would be suited for them...they require no formal education, license or anything else. Just skill and talent. It's just its more about who you know. Unfortunately I don't know many people in the music industry. Other than that I'd like a job where I work with transgender and gay youth.

Otherwise all there seems to be is fast food as a real viable options for work every other thing requires a degree, experience, a skill, a certificate, a licensee, knowledge, luck, a security clearance, good credit none of which I have. For everyone that says go to college....why its a double edges sword. For some people it helps for a great majority of people it doesn't matter one bit if you end up working in minimum wage anyways with massive debt. You just wonder why go into debt when you don't get ahead. Why continue to play at their game...when there are no rules. You have to rewrite the rules.

Society is set up in such a way they make it seem like people make bad choices but now i sympathize and i see sometimes there are no legitimate choices to them but thats because they are stuck in the confines of the system. Perhaps the past two or so years have been years of a kind of growth and evolution and how i look at the word. Slowly i am coming into my own truth and knowing what i value. I think we all know that deep in our hearts our own truth. Now i am just rejecting the unnecessary training and garbage in life.
 
 
 
 
 
 
I am beyond frustrated and lately I've been thinking why not just end my life again. My life is worthless...at least that's what others in society seem to want to drive home. Oh i read between the lines but that's the thinking of some Republican people. They aren't all bad, homophobic, transphobic, bigoted and racist. That may be but enough of them are...and electing just one is enabling a bad habit like a drug addiction. Don't be an enabler. Electing one republican to political office probably brings a whole ton of baggage and dirt. Their ideology is so warped, perverted and counter productive to everything. So be it the world can't be perfect. But its not okay for them to bully people. I will not apologize for my beliefs and opinions. I will censor myself less and say what I want.



It doesn't matter how many times you tell yourself it has nothing to do with you, as a person, who you are, your personal achievements. It's the economy. But we live in a culture that says you aren't somebody unless you are successful with a house, a car, a college degree. No matter how much you tell yourself we have a fucked up culture/ society and value system. You still feel worthless. When you can't buy yourself a new pair of shoes or a new pair of jeans, or go or do anything really you feel worthless and depressed. Talking to friends and listening to their hopelessness too doesn't help. Reading peoples stories and blogs about their struggles/frustrations don't help. Reading the news doesn't help. It all just fuels rage. So much is going on I can only express it as rage. Frustration, anger, hopelessness. I think hey maybe I should go study political science and get involved in politics and write/shape policy. But seeing it from the outside you wonder if you wouldn't just be ineffective. I speak my mind about what i think about America and well I really feel the whole thing can be torn down. I would rip up the constitution with my bar hands if I could. If my previous sentence was offensive and blasphemous to your civic religion then you have issues not me. For the rest of you that have other religions I don't need you in my face telling me I need to convert. If you feel your live is out of your control and in the hands of someone else. If its about being complacent with the way things are shitty...fine if that works for you. More power to ya but I don't need distractions. if I want to unplug, escape from reality. I'll watch Jersy Shore and Tron



I have absolutely no money to do anything. I wonder what have I done wrong is it who I am. There's no help. I wasn't considered for the job I interviewed for on Tuesday, because I don't have a car anymore. It wasn't even an interview really. She felt it would of been a waste of my time to interview me when she felt it was unlikely I'd be hired with out a car.'s always something, some bull shit reason. For all the people that tell me to go back to school I could choke the shit out of you. For all the miserable people who have degrees and work as gas station attendants and tell other people to go to school, incur debt and fail at life like them. Well maybe calling them a failure at life is harsh...the system is broken.I don't care what you do. It's all bullshit. Degree or not. But seriously if you can't see the fucked up situation you are in, don't tell someone else to join in.



College is a big expensive joke in some way. I had a music professor tell us we were better of enrolling in beauty school...but the tuition for beauty school is equivalent to 4 years at a college of university. Crazy. But I don't even have the money to go back to finish my music degree.



I had a long talk with a fellow musician once about "college education" and "jazz education". How many of us go to college get degrees, and we end up as teachers..and its a self perpetuating cycle. Teach more to become professors and to go fail at the system. But then I dunno what the answers is as many schools are cutting their arts. I know quite a few music ed degree grads who have no to little prospects for teaching jobs in Colorado. Well traditional teaching jobs like at a public elementary, middle or high school. Some counties have eliminated their entire music programs...in phases. If you eliminated your elementary, and middle school program...eventually it will trickle down to affect your high school programs later on. I dunno I knew a few of those in college to...they boasted how they would have a nice job, with a steady paycheck versus us performance majors. Well the world is upside down. Completely upside down. Teaching sucks as a prospect over all, since they seem to be laying of teachers left and right. Hell every teacher in the city of Detroit was laid off. With what happens in Wisconsin, California and New York it seems Teaching is not a honorable profession. Colleges are slashing entire programs and cutting back degrees and classes as well so it makes me wonder about my plan to become a jazz educator in high education and fuel the self perpetuating cycle.



I've considered other things too like going to school for instrument making. Expensive that is. I've considered pursuing a real estate license since it only takes 1 years. But with this economy and housing market that seems meh...not to mention the prospects that most real estate agents don't make that much money their first year. Many things require one to pay fees somewhere or some sort of maintenance to keep up your degree, or buisness. I even considered Electrolysis but i though after all that training I'd probably have to buy my own equipment and just how many people actually need Electrolysis



I've considered moving across the country even...but to where. Whats the point when the potential is I might be working at a fast food job anyways, since all that I'm qualified for. If I couldn't afford to live on my own working 40 hours a week here, what makes New York City or anywhere else any more lucrative or attractive. The possibility that i might can make a living playing music there...maybe...but that's a long shot.



Everything else requires degrees, credit checks, security clearances and "experience". Employers might as well post they are accepting applications from mythological creatures such as unicorns and fuchsia poke-a dotted dinosaurs.
 
 
 
 
 
 
Everything is a choice. I considered walking 20 miles to teach a bass lesson for 32 dollars later this week. I thought about even taking my bass but decided that's burdensome to take if i have to go all that way. Well walking was an option when you have no money for the bus but I was weary of taking public transportation with my bass. I feel they wouldn't let me on or it cause all kinds of controversy. But the student has flaked out on me and that won't be happening. I'm glad in a way after my experience today.



I felt i needed to get out of the house and do something the thought of applying to Carls Jr. I thought that was doing something.Which is on the other side of town. For some reason I thought it was like 2 miles or something. It's actually 5 miles so in total I walked 10 miles today. My legs are on fire and they feel like jelly. My hands are still cold.I started out at 2:00 PM and didn't arrive there untill 5:00. I was there for all of 2 mins. A bunch of teenagers were working behind the counter I asked for an application and she gave me a card with instructions on how to apply online. I thought i would of gotten to talk to someone or fill out a paper application you know to make the walk worth my time.I had 2 dollars and thought i might get something to eat while i was there but i didn't want nothing really.



I took pictures along the way while I had light.SO i started out on a trek to Carls. Jr I had lots of time to think to myself. I felt odd because i don't think people are accustomed to pedestrians walking around. Some of the paths i took I felt people were watching me. Even at the park there was a Douglas COunty Sheriff parked in his car. I have no idea what he was doing but i kept walking. I felt I had the right to walk and go where I wanted there was nothing wrong about me being at that park. Somehow i feel he was there waiting for someone...i dunno. guys who cruise in the restooms, teens to come graphitti. Who knows but in this predominantly white neighborhood I felt I would be suspicious and confronted just for being black. but I just kept on walking



Everyday that passes where something doesn't change just another day that brings back the overwhelming sadness and hopelessness about my situation.I dunno what one feels like when there are no more choices. Where else can I apply to that I haven't to. Being that I have no car anymore I don't want to go far. But thinking back to when I had the car...was i really any better off. I remember sleeping in my car once in the parking lot of the place i worked. It was the summer of 2008 and gas was 4 dollars a gallon. I didnt have enough gas to drive home after i got off work. Once before I remember I called off work the day before payday because I only had enough gas to drive to work. Next day i got paid so...when i got off work i'd have enough money to buy gas to drive home. I remember driving to pick up my check from WIS for just enough to cash to buy gas to drive back home. There is no change really in this house because I've scrounged and dug up every nickel, dime and penny i could find. On occasion I roundned up enough change to take to coinstair to fill up my gas tank my first week at Wal_mart. Money has always been a problem(exception being when I worked at Wal-Mart. I could up my gas tank anytime i wanted after i had been working there a while)



Oh well why bother with a car again...they are so expensive. But I feel like the place i live is a prison Theres something abuot this suburban sprawl that I hate. Mostly its by design, everyone here has to have a car. Theres no where worth going unless you have a car. The lack of diversity, racially and economically.I think it all goes back to something like you must be a sucess to live in suburbia. Living the American dream. Being amongst theme absolves you of everything negative about yourself. Or at least what you are told to believe and think. A musician friend and I once discussed how

"We may never be middle class". But at the moment many of them make more money than even I do. Even if they are playing crappy gigs that pay 30 dollars here and there.



The only places around that i can apply for are retail and fast food. What other skills do I have really, playing music and composing. No one pays me to play and no one pays me to write anything.







Soundtrack for the road: Madonna, Prince, JIll Scott, Erykah Badu, Coldplay, Lupe Fiasco, No Doubt, Maxwell

,Raphael Saadiq, Meshell Ndegeocello, Esperanza Spaulding, Brad Mehldau, Alicia Keys, Musiq Soulchild



A mile marker...but no light to take picture. Im sure it was like 5.5 or something. After that i stopped because it was dark!



A Mile marker



The sunset. The clouds looked pretty. Best as my camera phone can do!

It's just a big empty field!



Long winding road to no where!!



The path continues!







 
 
 
 
 
 
Why is it easier to tell other transexual girls that things will be fine and its not that bad. That they are not bad and should have no shame, they are worthy of love and beautiful when sometimes you don't believe it yourself. I mean I feel like sometimes it a front I put on that I'm this stable person. I try to be rational and level headed. I know I have given guidance and helped, and inspired many and that some people look up to me but I don't have that flawless job, or the body work. All I have is my dignity. but in ways I feel its not enough. The world, the problems, the inequality we face in society is bigger than me. What gets me sad is the injustice, the unfairness in life.I feel like perhaps if I read enough, learn enough, be rational and objective I can solve some of these problems someday. I want to fight for a world where everyone of my friends can be who they are. The extreme we go to for civil rights, and human rights its worth dying for but it shouldn't be this way. It's a fight and its a struggle just to live. Perhaps there's more I could given to the political and activism but many times my energy is focused on how to survive and do me.



Sometimes I begin to feel that even me being transgendered has nothing to with the lowered expectations, dreams and ambitions,The job market sucks for everyone. I feel there is no prospects or opportunities left. I have no degree and no special skills or talents. I've considered even leaving the country to go teach English abroad but you have to have a college degree in many cases to even be eligible for a license and a working visa to be admitted into another country. I even thought about faking the degree and seeing what happens. I've created fake and bogus resumes for other jobs. I've seen so much, I've been turned down and told no so many times. I dunno if its because I'm black, I'm transgendered or what. Many times and many cases they send nice letters saying thanks for applying but no thanks even with out a job interview. I doubt people who have never interviewed me or seen can even discern that i am transgendered. Hell I've stopped filling out the voluntary sections on job interviews years ago that ask you to disclose your gender and race. I've applied at places where they were nice. Dish Network told me when I applied that I wasn't the first and that they had other transgendered people who worked there. Have i gotten a job there after 6 times I've applied. Nope. You find yourself filling out the same applications over and over and over. I could fill out Target's application with my eyes closed. I think of the 30 or so times I've applied. I've gotten 3 maybe 4 interviews. Yes they really do keep track of how many times you apply.



Well there's music and playing music but I don't make much money from that. It's more like I have to invest money into that and money is something I don't have. Nothing is working out how I want it to at all. I'm starting feel like i have to reinvent myself and I need something more fufilling than music. It's my lifes passion but I'm starting to wonder if its even a realistic career. When every other jazz musician in town is complaining about playing gigs making $7-50 for 2-3 hours. It's like really what am I so jealous of that I don't play. It's not really even about the money though...it's the recognition and contributions I bring. It seems there are to many obstacles for being successful in playing music and making it work as means to support yourself. I feel I'm ostracized from the jazz community at times and not worthy of peoples time and the outlook for professions in the arts in itself seem to be a bleak. People don't seem to value art.



I had a job I once quit foolishly before I transitioned because I thought I could just get another job like that. That didn't happen.



Know to many legitimate things. I have. If houses, cars, careers, politics and religion don't matter, then in life what does matter

The darkest days where you feel like ending it all. Why is it some days can be good yet others are the blackest.



So many girls get by by escorting,selling their bodies in some form or fashion. It never appealed to me.The money sounds appealing. What am I worth if I sleep with guys for money. I'd rather be with someone i love and that I am totally devoted to and poor than to be rich and whore. What is money worth anyways really. We all live lives of ego. And who needs that.



Sometimes I feel things the world, politics, society is all bigger than I am. I feel like nothing has changed. There are plenty of people in the world that tell you. I can hate the world or I can love you. Sometimes you wake up and have the right to be angry, but that doesn't give me the right to be cruel. I may seem cruel but I have a heart I'm always in search of a greater truth and insight in all kinds of things, beliefs, ideas, people. But I no longer have answers to anything. Should I be satisfied in the end with who I am...or only who I aspire to be? rather Which is really important?



I don't have the money to go back to school. I'd love to go back to school but I need a job to support myself and pay for school but I need schooling to even find a job so it's a catch 22.I'd need something like $10,000 to go back. First I'd have to pay the college the unpaid tuition of $4000+ then if I were to re-enroll I'd have to pay for that semester up front and out of pocket. Yeah I've thought about doing other things like going to cosmetology school or getting a license for electrolysis but I'd need money. I feel like its all a gamble well obtaining an Electrolysis license as I think i'd have to buy my own equipment and that I'd pretty much be working for myself and have to build up my own clientele. Everything is a risk to be taken but at this point I need security.



Make something out of yourself. Yeah It's easy to do when you have resources and liquidity in assets. When you have bad credit and no income a bank won't give you a loan. When you make less than $3000 a year a bank isn't going to give you a loan to cover the cost of college. The only way is grants, and debt. Or unless you have the help of mommy and daddy. That's one of the things that makes me sick about people is the people who are smug and self righteous about their position in life. The privileged class of people who benefit from the position of their parents, or institutionalism in life. Some people don't get why poor people don't get to the same destinations in life. In their eyes failure of your inability to move up is on you...not how unfair the system is or that not everyone starts this race called life behind the line. I feel like all the accomplishments of my relatives and ancestors aren't enough. My parents successful colleges educated and middle class but none of that really helps benefit me because I'm black. Everything about society and the media tells black people they are inferior and unwanted. It's all negative blacks make up the majority of the prison population, in addition to Latinos we are up there with atrocious graduation rates. We always have a a higher unemployment rate. And it's blacks who have been hit the hardest by this recession because we have low unskilled jobs. To say we live in a post racial society is bull shit. The unskilled jobs that are eliminated and taken by illegal immigrants. Now immigrants are the problem and scapegoat. But the question should be why do we have this "caste" system in society ...in American society at all. So at times i feel that I can never rise above this...that I no better off, despite being literate having some college education and coming from middle class parents that despite the odds I'm not special. Why is it you feel like you aren't something if you aren't like the "white people" that if you don't go to college, own a home have a corporate job that you are shit.
 
 
 
 
 
 
New York New York...i gotta get outta here and get to New York., and be part of the New York jazz scene but you know the reality of it has hit me a few times. It's ridiculously expensive to go live in New York. I thought well maybe something will work out if i get there. I want to be part of a different scene and environment where I am more active.

There are benefits to being a jazz musician and living in New York for sure. But many disadvantages too. It's not like its that much better than say Denver...there's just 20 times more people and and maybe 20-30 more clubs and venues. But a lot of jazz musicians are probably playing gigs along the east coast in general and not just in New York. There's a lot of people that live in New York but not necessarily getting work in New York. Then again I know lots of jazz musician here in Colorado that have gotten chances to perform in New York and well they live here in Colorado. So whats the big fuss. Why move to a hell hole that's unaffordable and unsustainable. Why not just live here play here and just aim to get a gig in New York every now and then.



The ultimate goal for 2011 is to go into the recording studio but that seems a far off and lofty goal when I don't have money at all.It seems like the thing to do when there are so many other jazz musicians who have recorded CDs and sell them. The reality is the money they spent to produce such CDs go into a black hole. I hear all to often "I spent ____(somewhere in the thousands) to make this CD and I only sold 50 copies."



Hey their CDs get played on the local radio station at least, is that what really counts. Would I be happy with recording my own original music and putting it out there into the world. Even if no one listens to it or buys it but 20 people. It should be looked upon as an investment. Nothing gained nothing ventured. Looking at the bigger picture I'm afraid of what such an investment won't bring on return. I'm not making any kind of money myself right now. How am i supposed to support my fellow musicians if all I have is $3 to my name. What am I working for. At this rate all i can hope for is some menial job paying minimum wage. When i worked at McDonald's i didn't make a lot of money and wasn't even able to support myself. Being a band leader i think why am i working my ass off to pay your rent. The reality is being a band leader I have to find a way to pay the musicians. There aren't many gigs being offered that pay. I don't get many gigs as a sideman so I thought the work around that was to create your own work. Be the master of your own destiny. That didn't turn out so well. I feel like i have to come up with a new dream and plan for 2011
 
 
 
 
 
 
2006

I had pretty much dropped out of school for financial reasons and only because I didn't have money. I had pretty much gone to school on faith of credit. I had taken out two loans the first two semesters of college. But I went a total of four semesters. The first two semesters were paid for with loans and the last two remaining semesters I had no money at all but kept renrolling. The last semester i had hoped I could gotten my grades up to pay for the previous semester with another loan but things did not go as planned. With no income or way to pay off the debt only thing I could do was find a new job.

The year began with a lot of stress and problems in general. I suppose the year started off well I had a new job and I was looking forward to putting my life in order after the disaster of 2005 and how it ended with so much debt. I got a job at Mile High Comics on December 27th and it was interesting because i had a full time job. Quite easy walked in and got hired on the spot only cause i knew comics.

A few weeks into my new job I came "out" to my parents and that was a big deal emotionally. From there things somewhat improved but not really my job took a turn for the worse and I hated it everyday. I started to go out as my girl self a bit more.

Where things get better is when I met Charlie and Chris, who totally changed my life. Though a week after meeting them I quit my job at Mile High Comics and got a new job at Sofa Mart which lasted about a week.

From then it was a Summer of adventure and finally allowing myself to be myself. A few weeks after I met Charlie I also met Talia, someone else who became a close friend of mine. Probably because she was different than the norm and different from the people I had known. She seemed to be non judging of me.

From then on I would usually come down on Fridays and hang out with my new friends.
Because of my new friends I found it easier and easier to gain confidence in myself to do things such as go out and apply for jobs.

I remember one day in May I went to the Castle Rock Outlet mall and applied for jobs where I remember seeing a boy at the Levi's store who had to have been the most flamboyant gayest thing on earth and I said...if he can get a job then there is no reason I can't find a job as myself. So from that day on I went out searching for a job presenting how I wanted to look.

I had my 21st Birthday and I remember that night and how I spent it with my new best friend. I didn't get totally drunk or anything at all, but I remember trying a few shots...once of which got spilt on another guy who went to group.

I had a lot of trouble finding a job I didn't find a new job until October when I went to apply to a Temp Agency. I had made friends with quite a few trans women around the country online and my friend Lexi extended the offer that I move to Virginia and she could get me a job there. It was tempting because i felt like I had nothing left here. Felt like everyone I used to know had turned their backs on me but I had made new friends and I wasn't sure I wanted to leave them.



2007

All I remember is the year started off with me once again getting a new job. This time at an inventory company. I drove to all kinds of retail stores all over Colorado and took inventory. Not the greatest and most stable job. I was going into it hoping it would change my life. THat i would have the money to do all the things I wanted to do. It's nice to have money now and then but at that time...what i had hoped would be a 27-40 hour a week job turned into something like 8 hours every two weeks or something always fluctuating. I remember I took one paycheck which totaled about $50 and went to Black hawk to gamble it away.

It was always a hassle to get our paychecks too. It was a scam because people were only in the office in the morning...paychecks came in the afternoon. And no one was there...or you'd show up and the paychecks wouldn't be there. I remember waiting around many times for a paycheck sometimes...it was like I felt I would go to pick up my paycheck just so i could cash it and spend it on enough gas to just go back home.

Somewhere around this time I remember one night randomly meeting up with Talia whom i hadn't seen for months and she was pregnant. I hadn't seen her for a couple of months because it was as if she dropped off the face of the earth and was difficult to meet up with. Well I was really worried about her at the time because she was young and bright kid. Her boyfriend had left her and she was worried about raising the child alone. I ended up practically moving in and helping take care of this girl. I got her to doctors appointments to the hospital and so on before she had that baby. She was a really sweet and decent person and it didn't bother me to help her out. No one else cared.

The most important things I remember -

I got invited to a baby shower. Something I never thought I'd experience. After all I was a transexual woman unable to have kids. My friend Talia and her experience are about as close as I think I will come and it.

I remember the birth of a new baby -

I remember watching my friend fall in love
-

I remember the strain on my relationships with my other friends
because of jealousy, uncontrollable emotions and their impatience with me.

I learned It's okay to  take risk on other people sometimes

I learned its possibility that I can love someone else.

I experianced what it's like to own a brand new car


I experianced that new jobs can be flawless when you first begin.
 
 
 
 
 
 

For those that know me tell me if this describes me!


Avoidant personality disorder (APD or AvPD)[1] or Anxious personality disorder (APD)[2] is a personality disorder from the DSM handbook, characterized by a pervasive pattern of social inhibition, feelings of inadequacy, extreme sensitivity to negative evaluation and avoidance of social interaction. People with avoidant personality disorder often consider themselves to be socially inept or personally unappealing, and avoid social interaction for fear of being ridiculed, humiliated, rejected or disliked. They typically present themselves as loners and report feeling a sense of alienation from society.

Avoidant personality disorder is usually first noticed in early adulthood, and is associated with perceived or actual rejection by parents or peers during childhood. Whether the feeling of rejection is due to the extreme interpersonal monitoring attributed to people with the disorder is still disputed.

Diagnostic criteria (DSM-IV-TR)

The American Psychiatric Association's DSM-IV-TR, a widely used manual for diagnosing mental disorders, defines avoidant personality disorder as a "pervasive pattern of social inhibition, feelings of inadequacy, and hypersensitivity to negative evaluation, beginning by early adulthood and present in a variety of contexts, as indicated by four (or more) of the following:

  1. Avoids occupational activities that involve significant interpersonal contact, because of fears of criticism, disapproval, or rejection
  2. Is unwilling to get involved with people unless certain of being liked
  3. Shows restraint initiating intimate relationships because of the fear of being ashamed, ridiculed, or rejected due to severe low self-worth.
  4. Is preoccupied with being criticized or rejected in social situations
  5. Is inhibited in new interpersonal situations because of feelings of inadequacy
  6. Views self as socially inept, personally unappealing, or inferior to others
  7. Is unusually reluctant to take personal risks or to engage in any new activities because they may prove embarrassing

Avoidant personality disorder is often confused with antisocial personality disorder; clinically the term 'antisocial' denotes a disregard for society's norms and rules, not social inhibitions.

Link with other mental disorders

Research suggests that people with avoidant personality disorder, in common with social phobics, excessively monitor their own internal reactions when they are involved in social interaction. However, unlike social phobics they also excessively monitor the reactions of the people with whom they are interacting. The extreme tension created by this monitoring may account for the hesitant speech and taciturnity of many people with avoidant personality disorder. They are so preoccupied with monitoring themselves and others that producing fluent speech is difficult.

Avoidant personality disorder is reported to be especially prevalent in people with anxiety disorders, although estimates of comorbidity vary widely due to differences in (among others) diagnostic instruments. Research suggests that approximately 10–50% of the people who have a panic disorder with agoraphobia have APD, as well as about 20–40% of the people who have a social phobia (social anxiety disorder). Some studies report prevalence rates of up to 45% among the people with generalized anxiety disorder and up to 56% of the people with obsessive-compulsive disorder.[3] Although it is not mentioned in the DSM-IV, earlier theorists have proposed a personality disorder which has a combination of features from borderline personality disorder and avoidant personality disorder, called "avoidant-borderline mixed personality" (APD/BPD).[4]

Causes

The cause of avoidant personality disorder is not clearly defined, and may be influenced by a combination of social, genetic, and psychological factors. The disorder may be related to temperamental factors that are inherited. Specifically, various anxiety disorders in childhood and adolescence have been associated with a temperament characterized by behavioral inhibition, including features of being shy, fearful, and withdrawn in new situations.[5]

Many people diagnosed with avoidant personality disorder have had painful early experiences of chronic parental and or societal criticism or rejection. The need to bond with the rejecting parents makes the avoidant person hungry for relationships but their longing gradually develops into a defensive shell of self-protection against repeated criticisms.[6]

Symptoms

People with avoidant personality disorder are preoccupied with their own shortcomings and form relationships with others only if they believe they will not be rejected. Loss and rejection are so painful that these individuals will choose to be lonely rather than risk trying to connect with others.

  • Hypersensitivity to criticism or rejection
  • Self-imposed social isolation
  • Extreme shyness in social situations, though feels a strong desire for close relationships[6]
  • Avoids interpersonal relationships
  • Avoids physical contact because it has been associated with an unpleasant or painful stimulus.
  • Feelings of i
    nadequacy
  • Severe low self-esteem
  • Self loathing
  • Mistrust of others
  • Extreme shyness/timidity
  • Emotional distancing related to intimacy
  • Highly self-conscious
  • Self-critical about their problems relating to others
  • Loss of self-identity
  • Problems in occupational functioning
  • Lonely self-perception
  • Feeling inferior to others
  • Chronic substance abuse/dependence[7]
  • Investment in fixed fantasies
 
 
 
 
 
 

I wish I could be more like other people at times. I realize I'm different. I can't say I have accepted my faults, limitations, and frailties. Take the concept of acceptance off the table as I'm not sure I've come to acknowledge them.

 

With mental illness a lot has to do with how people perceive life and reality. The question is am I just this way or am I sick? How do I cope and live the rest of my life. Only I know sometimes how black my world can be and how dark my life can seem. I can't even begin to recount the countless and numerous times I've felt like my life was worthless and how I should end it. To me it seems I never seem to please others around me, and even my self. So I became my own worst enemy

 

 People say I'm always negative but in my mind I have an idea of how things should go and the outcomes…just never end up coming true. I have my own idea of a world that is just and fair, perhaps it doesn't match theirs.

 

I don't want to feel inadequate all the time. I wanted to be noticed…for something positive. So how I live my life, how I want other people see me is dictated by a fear of rejection. I never wanted to be judged or criticized. Do I seem over sensitive to criticisms, if so it's because I take everything personal.

 

I want to like what I see when I look in the mirror? To me it seems I have more shortcomings than strengths. I think if only I was smart and successful people would love me and respect me. But it doesn't matter how many books I read, how many new things I learn, the clothes I but, the makeup I wear…I can never shake the insecurities.

 

I don't want to be an emotional leech where my happiness depends upon others. I don't want to drag other people down with me. I want someone who can love me back in the same way I love them, but to me from my end…sometimes I feel unloved. I feel it's easy for me to give and love other. Perhaps I have to learn just because someone doesn't love me the way I want them to doesn't mean they don't love me with all they have.

 

I wonder sometimes do certain feelings and thoughts come from. Out of nowhere? Now I have some idea and insight into those feelings of inadequacy, jealousy, insecurity and feeling like I can never measure up in life, love, friendships.

 

There was a time I've given up on my own aspirations like wanting to draw, writing, and playing music because I wasn't good enough for myself.

 

No really knows what I go through. No one really understands or knows me. No one really understands the pain that I feel sometimes. It's not unusual for me to think of several self hate related things about my self in a day. I wish people would be non judgmental and love and accept me unconditionally. I wonder how much my feelings have to do with me transgendered or some form of default predilection. I don't know where disentangle cause from effect.

 

After years of introspection I may have some answers in piecing together and understanding myself. Do I have an answer? The other day I stumbled across reading a description of Avoidant Personality Disorder. In ways it seems to describe me to a "T"

But that scares me. It explains the things I feel when I feel that way. I can relate when I read the description. I just don't know where to go forward from there. I don't even know where to begin on how to correct myself

 

 
 
 
 
 
 

Right now nothing is right with the world. What was once left is right...up is down and so on. That's how i feel. I'm begging to just go with it. I'm thinking not to doubt or second guess my own feelings or instincts. For once I don't feel guilty.

How can you be happy and sad at once?

How can one be satisfied yet unsatisfied...frustrated yet complacent?

How can you know what you want but not want it

 I  seem to be something of a Paradox holding contradicting and challenging beliefs t the ones I thought I believed in.. I don't think this is anything new and how it has always been, but now I'm at a point where they cancel out. Perhaps I don't even know myself anymore. Everything can fall apart especially belief systems. Everything can fall into question when you don't know what you believe in or even understand yourself.


Sometimes you wake up and have the right to be angry, but that doesn't give me the right to be cruel. I may seem cruel but I have a heart  I'm always in search of a greater truth and insight in all kinds of things, beliefs, ideas, people. But I no longer have answers to anything.  Should I be satisfied in the end with who I am...or only who I aspire to be? rather Which is really important?