I wish I could be more like other people at times. I realize I'm different. I can't say I have accepted my faults, limitations, and frailties. Take the concept of acceptance off the table as I'm not sure I've come to acknowledge them.
With mental illness a lot has to do with how people perceive life and reality. The question is am I just this way or am I sick? How do I cope and live the rest of my life. Only I know sometimes how black my world can be and how dark my life can seem. I can't even begin to recount the countless and numerous times I've felt like my life was worthless and how I should end it. To me it seems I never seem to please others around me, and even my self. So I became my own worst enemy
People say I'm always negative but in my mind I have an idea of how things should go and the outcomes…just never end up coming true. I have my own idea of a world that is just and fair, perhaps it doesn't match theirs.
I don't want to feel inadequate all the time. I wanted to be noticed…for something positive. So how I live my life, how I want other people see me is dictated by a fear of rejection. I never wanted to be judged or criticized. Do I seem over sensitive to criticisms, if so it's because I take everything personal.
I want to like what I see when I look in the mirror? To me it seems I have more shortcomings than strengths. I think if only I was smart and successful people would love me and respect me. But it doesn't matter how many books I read, how many new things I learn, the clothes I but, the makeup I wear…I can never shake the insecurities.
I don't want to be an emotional leech where my happiness depends upon others. I don't want to drag other people down with me. I want someone who can love me back in the same way I love them, but to me from my end…sometimes I feel unloved. I feel it's easy for me to give and love other. Perhaps I have to learn just because someone doesn't love me the way I want them to doesn't mean they don't love me with all they have.
I wonder sometimes do certain feelings and thoughts come from. Out of nowhere? Now I have some idea and insight into those feelings of inadequacy, jealousy, insecurity and feeling like I can never measure up in life, love, friendships.
There was a time I've given up on my own aspirations like wanting to draw, writing, and playing music because I wasn't good enough for myself.
No really knows what I go through. No one really understands or knows me. No one really understands the pain that I feel sometimes. It's not unusual for me to think of several self hate related things about my self in a day. I wish people would be non judgmental and love and accept me unconditionally. I wonder how much my feelings have to do with me transgendered or some form of default predilection. I don't know where disentangle cause from effect.
After years of introspection I may have some answers in piecing together and understanding myself. Do I have an answer? The other day I stumbled across reading a description of Avoidant Personality Disorder. In ways it seems to describe me to a "T"
But that scares me. It explains the things I feel when I feel that way. I can relate when I read the description. I just don't know where to go forward from there. I don't even know where to begin on how to correct myself