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Why is it easier to tell other transexual girls that things will be fine and its not that bad. That they are not bad and should have no shame, they are worthy of love and beautiful when sometimes you don't believe it yourself. I mean I feel like sometimes it a front I put on that I'm this stable person. I try to be rational and level headed. I know I have given guidance and helped, and inspired many and that some people look up to me but I don't have that flawless job, or the body work. All I have is my dignity. but in ways I feel its not enough. The world, the problems, the inequality we face in society is bigger than me. What gets me sad is the injustice, the unfairness in life.I feel like perhaps if I read enough, learn enough, be rational and objective I can solve some of these problems someday. I want to fight for a world where everyone of my friends can be who they are. The extreme we go to for civil rights, and human rights its worth dying for but it shouldn't be this way. It's a fight and its a struggle just to live. Perhaps there's more I could given to the political and activism but many times my energy is focused on how to survive and do me.

Sometimes I begin to feel that even me being transgendered has nothing to with the lowered expectations, dreams and ambitions,The job market sucks for everyone. I feel there is no prospects or opportunities left. I have no degree and no special skills or talents. I've considered even leaving the country to go teach English abroad but you have to have a college degree in many cases to even be eligible for a license and a working visa to be admitted into another country. I even thought about faking the degree and seeing what happens. I've created fake and bogus resumes for other jobs. I've seen so much, I've been turned down and told no so many times. I dunno if its because I'm black, I'm transgendered or what. Many times and many cases they send nice letters saying thanks for applying but no thanks even with out a job interview. I doubt people who have never interviewed me or seen can even discern that i am transgendered. Hell I've stopped filling out the voluntary sections on job interviews years ago that ask you to disclose your gender and race. I've applied at places where they were nice. Dish Network told me when I applied that I wasn't the first and that they had other transgendered people who worked there. Have i gotten a job there after 6 times I've applied. Nope. You find yourself filling out the same applications over and over and over. I could fill out Target's application with my eyes closed. I think of the 30 or so times I've applied. I've gotten 3 maybe 4 interviews. Yes they really do keep track of how many times you apply.

Well there's music and playing music but I don't make much money from that. It's more like I have to invest money into that and money is something I don't have. Nothing is working out how I want it to at all. I'm starting feel like i have to reinvent myself and I need something more fufilling than music. It's my lifes passion but I'm starting to wonder if its even a realistic career. When every other jazz musician in town is complaining about playing gigs making $7-50 for 2-3 hours. It's like really what am I so jealous of that I don't play. It's not really even about the money though...it's the recognition and contributions I bring. It seems there are to many obstacles for being successful in playing music and making it work as means to support yourself. I feel I'm ostracized from the jazz community at times and not worthy of peoples time and the outlook for professions in the arts in itself seem to be a bleak. People don't seem to value art.

I had a job I once quit foolishly before I transitioned because I thought I could just get another job like that. That didn't happen.

Know to many legitimate things. I have. If houses, cars, careers, politics and religion don't matter, then in life what does matter

The darkest days where you feel like ending it all. Why is it some days can be good yet others are the blackest.

So many girls get by by escorting,selling their bodies in some form or fashion. It never appealed to me.The money sounds appealing. What am I worth if I sleep with guys for money. I'd rather be with someone i love and that I am totally devoted to and poor than to be rich and whore. What is money worth anyways really. We all live lives of ego. And who needs that.

Sometimes I feel things the world, politics, society is all bigger than I am. I feel like nothing has changed. There are plenty of people in the world that tell you. I can hate the world or I can love you. Sometimes you wake up and have the right to be angry, but that doesn't give me the right to be cruel. I may seem cruel but I have a heart I'm always in search of a greater truth and insight in all kinds of things, beliefs, ideas, people. But I no longer have answers to anything. Should I be satisfied in the end with who I am...or only who I aspire to be? rather Which is really important?

I don't have the money to go back to school. I'd love to go back to school but I need a job to support myself and pay for school but I need schooling to even find a job so it's a catch 22.I'd need something like $10,000 to go back. First I'd have to pay the college the unpaid tuition of $4000+ then if I were to re-enroll I'd have to pay for that semester up front and out of pocket. Yeah I've thought about doing other things like going to cosmetology school or getting a license for electrolysis but I'd need money. I feel like its all a gamble well obtaining an Electrolysis license as I think i'd have to buy my own equipment and that I'd pretty much be working for myself and have to build up my own clientele. Everything is a risk to be taken but at this point I need security.

Make something out of yourself. Yeah It's easy to do when you have resources and liquidity in assets. When you have bad credit and no income a bank won't give you a loan. When you make less than $3000 a year a bank isn't going to give you a loan to cover the cost of college. The only way is grants, and debt. Or unless you have the help of mommy and daddy. That's one of the things that makes me sick about people is the people who are smug and self righteous about their position in life. The privileged class of people who benefit from the position of their parents, or institutionalism in life. Some people don't get why poor people don't get to the same destinations in life. In their eyes failure of your inability to move up is on you...not how unfair the system is or that not everyone starts this race called life behind the line. I feel like all the accomplishments of my relatives and ancestors aren't enough. My parents successful colleges educated and middle class but none of that really helps benefit me because I'm black. Everything about society and the media tells black people they are inferior and unwanted. It's all negative blacks make up the majority of the prison population, in addition to Latinos we are up there with atrocious graduation rates. We always have a a higher unemployment rate. And it's blacks who have been hit the hardest by this recession because we have low unskilled jobs. To say we live in a post racial society is bull shit. The unskilled jobs that are eliminated and taken by illegal immigrants. Now immigrants are the problem and scapegoat. But the question should be why do we have this "caste" system in society ...in American society at all. So at times i feel that I can never rise above this...that I no better off, despite being literate having some college education and coming from middle class parents that despite the odds I'm not special. Why is it you feel like you aren't something if you aren't like the "white people" that if you don't go to college, own a home have a corporate job that you are shit.
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