I am beyond frustrated and lately I've been thinking why not just end my life again. My life is worthless...at least that's what others in society seem to want to drive home. Oh i read between the lines but that's the thinking of some Republican people. They aren't all bad, homophobic, transphobic, bigoted and racist. That may be but enough of them are...and electing just one is enabling a bad habit like a drug addiction. Don't be an enabler. Electing one republican to political office probably brings a whole ton of baggage and dirt. Their ideology is so warped, perverted and counter productive to everything. So be it the world can't be perfect. But its not okay for them to bully people. I will not apologize for my beliefs and opinions. I will censor myself less and say what I want.

It doesn't matter how many times you tell yourself it has nothing to do with you, as a person, who you are, your personal achievements. It's the economy. But we live in a culture that says you aren't somebody unless you are successful with a house, a car, a college degree. No matter how much you tell yourself we have a fucked up culture/ society and value system. You still feel worthless. When you can't buy yourself a new pair of shoes or a new pair of jeans, or go or do anything really you feel worthless and depressed. Talking to friends and listening to their hopelessness too doesn't help. Reading peoples stories and blogs about their struggles/frustrations don't help. Reading the news doesn't help. It all just fuels rage. So much is going on I can only express it as rage. Frustration, anger, hopelessness. I think hey maybe I should go study political science and get involved in politics and write/shape policy. But seeing it from the outside you wonder if you wouldn't just be ineffective. I speak my mind about what i think about America and well I really feel the whole thing can be torn down. I would rip up the constitution with my bar hands if I could. If my previous sentence was offensive and blasphemous to your civic religion then you have issues not me. For the rest of you that have other religions I don't need you in my face telling me I need to convert. If you feel your live is out of your control and in the hands of someone else. If its about being complacent with the way things are shitty...fine if that works for you. More power to ya but I don't need distractions. if I want to unplug, escape from reality. I'll watch Jersy Shore and Tron

I have absolutely no money to do anything. I wonder what have I done wrong is it who I am. There's no help. I wasn't considered for the job I interviewed for on Tuesday, because I don't have a car anymore. It wasn't even an interview really. She felt it would of been a waste of my time to interview me when she felt it was unlikely I'd be hired with out a car.'s always something, some bull shit reason. For all the people that tell me to go back to school I could choke the shit out of you. For all the miserable people who have degrees and work as gas station attendants and tell other people to go to school, incur debt and fail at life like them. Well maybe calling them a failure at life is harsh...the system is broken.I don't care what you do. It's all bullshit. Degree or not. But seriously if you can't see the fucked up situation you are in, don't tell someone else to join in.

College is a big expensive joke in some way. I had a music professor tell us we were better of enrolling in beauty school...but the tuition for beauty school is equivalent to 4 years at a college of university. Crazy. But I don't even have the money to go back to finish my music degree.

I had a long talk with a fellow musician once about "college education" and "jazz education". How many of us go to college get degrees, and we end up as teachers..and its a self perpetuating cycle. Teach more to become professors and to go fail at the system. But then I dunno what the answers is as many schools are cutting their arts. I know quite a few music ed degree grads who have no to little prospects for teaching jobs in Colorado. Well traditional teaching jobs like at a public elementary, middle or high school. Some counties have eliminated their entire music programs...in phases. If you eliminated your elementary, and middle school program...eventually it will trickle down to affect your high school programs later on. I dunno I knew a few of those in college to...they boasted how they would have a nice job, with a steady paycheck versus us performance majors. Well the world is upside down. Completely upside down. Teaching sucks as a prospect over all, since they seem to be laying of teachers left and right. Hell every teacher in the city of Detroit was laid off. With what happens in Wisconsin, California and New York it seems Teaching is not a honorable profession. Colleges are slashing entire programs and cutting back degrees and classes as well so it makes me wonder about my plan to become a jazz educator in high education and fuel the self perpetuating cycle.

I've considered other things too like going to school for instrument making. Expensive that is. I've considered pursuing a real estate license since it only takes 1 years. But with this economy and housing market that seems meh...not to mention the prospects that most real estate agents don't make that much money their first year. Many things require one to pay fees somewhere or some sort of maintenance to keep up your degree, or buisness. I even considered Electrolysis but i though after all that training I'd probably have to buy my own equipment and just how many people actually need Electrolysis

I've considered moving across the country even...but to where. Whats the point when the potential is I might be working at a fast food job anyways, since all that I'm qualified for. If I couldn't afford to live on my own working 40 hours a week here, what makes New York City or anywhere else any more lucrative or attractive. The possibility that i might can make a living playing music there...maybe...but that's a long shot.

Everything else requires degrees, credit checks, security clearances and "experience". Employers might as well post they are accepting applications from mythological creatures such as unicorns and fuchsia poke-a dotted dinosaurs.