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Today an interesting conversation arose between my best friends and I. It seemed we are all not always completely trusting/or suporitve of each other.

I love my friends to death and but have to wonder if your friends are as supportive as you sometime wish. Do we always express our selves and feelings in the best of ways when we truely care?.

We want to hear something positive from the special people in our lives. Perhaps hearing it from those people matters to us much is just as important as being listened to. It's not that you have to do some thing for or to help your friend but listen to them and acknowledge they feel the way that they do.

 

Say the most horrible thing or event happened to you and imeadiatly you think to go to your best friend that is the least judgemental.  Sure not everyone always reacts the way you want. And no things may be said which are not always the most pleasing but that

 

 I just want someone to talk to and listen sometimes. Sometimes you just have questions about people, sex, love, just life in general and wish I could be as open with my friends as I like. I can't go to them and just say what is on my mind or tell them how I'm feeling for fear of being judged, ignored, or punished..

 

 But I so much want to. At the same time I don't want to see my friends hold in anything that will eat them alive. I hope they can be open and talk to me about anything or think I'm not to judgemental

 
 
 
 
 
 
As an independant thinker there is a sad truth...I can be critical of Barack Obama and John McCain. Now I support Barack Obama and I consider myself a very leftist liberal but I see the problems this country is facing.

I have nothign better to do somedays than to sit and watch C-SPAN, and  CNN. Read countless blogs online and spend hours at the library readings books on governement policy and issues that effect us.

Who will save us....while I favor Barack Obama...i fear that not even he can turn or change the course we are on. How do you fight back against such a culture that rooted and embbeded itself into our way of life.By culture i mean the enviorment in which we operate...the culture of Wall street, the culture of washington,, the culture of congress, the executive branch, the culture of buisness. How can one man change and tweak forces which are beyond him.

Can one be to ideological. I've been looking for solutions to the crisis which effect us...energy, the economy,corporate corruption,  globlization. The truth no matter the solution which ever administration will apply to fix the problems they will always have to deal with the effect of the law of "unintended consequences". Meaning shit happens and things go bad....the problem is no one owns up to.

Only now years later can we truely look back and be critical of the Clinton administration and his policies. Have some of the policies and things he did while in office caused some of the problems we face now. In some ways yes. The blame for everything can not be forced and placed unpon the incumbant.

What I  seem to find so frustrating with the media and polical pundits, analyst and folks is their failure to look at the hindsight of history and the impact of policis. Where we are today is in some nature a result of policies of president Nixon, Ford, Carter, Reagen,G. W.H Bush, Clinton and G.W. Bush

These are bleek and gloomy times for Americans and the world as the economy is unpredictable. The intention and tensions with foriegn nations unkown we can only hope that who ever is the next president has the forsight to draft, shape and implement policy and see and understand its far reaching effects.
 
 
 
 
 
 
Had a conversation the other day with a complete stranger and they told me i was focusing on the wrong things in life. I should be focusing on school and getting an education. Kinda hard with no money and I've set short term goals here and there and there in my life.

The big problem is I owe the State of Colorado money for unpaid tuition. No not student loans...I'm not worried so much about the student loans being repayed immeadiatly as its not as much a priority as the money i owe the state for unpaid tuition. The unpaid tuition is what holds me back and bars me from re enrolling back into college. The trick is how do I make $4000 worth of debt dissapear. Once thats out of the way i could enroll again...but then there comes a whole different problem about how would I pay once I had the ability to re enroll.

Thats a whole different other proble, but the other day I thought I found a loophole...I'll be turning 23 this month and perhaps maybe then I can go back to college on a pell grant.But thats a big what if sorta thing given my financial situation.  I don't that will work at all.

The only other option i have is to take a loan myself. preferablly one where no co-signer is needed. But im not in any kind of financial situation to really do that. If i were able to I'd hope to borrow enough money to pay back the money I owe the state of Colorado for back tuition as well as footing the cost of tuition.

I never wanted to go to college on debt and money was always a funny issue from the beggining for me. I thought I could find a way to work and pay for it. But its so unrealistic. 4 years later things have not worked out according to plan or gone anyway in my favor. When do you throw in the towel and admit defeat. Perhaps I've reached that point and determined that doing things my way will not work. There isn't a higher road or better way to go. But i'm a point now where I don't know what to do anymore.
 
 
 
 
 
 
At the end of senior year in high school i remember being asked to sign many year books of fellow class mates and friends of the time. I remember a general comment and words of advice I left in every ones year book something about "Happiness is more important than money".

4 years later i'm not sure how many of us from the class of 2004 are living it up or have succeeded in their dreams. but i remember folks talking lots of fluff about who they were gonna be and what they were gonna do. No telling where they are or how their lives are unfolding at this very moment.

I know mine is quite different than I imagined it. Very much so. Of course I knew what i wanted, and where I wanted to go but now I have to question was my choice to pursue happiness over money a sensible one.  I choose to go to college to pursue a degree in music. Not the most lucrative field or degree that pays off now I have debt. Course i wonder has transitioning hindered my attempts in searching for employment. If not that...is it because of my debt, how I want to college just what and which classes i decided to take in high school.

No telling where the dominoes may fall and just which decision set off a chain of events that led the present to the path it took. Theres tons of choices we make everyday that effect us. The tiny small ones that could have consequences later. Choosing to drive drunk...choosing to smoke. Choosing to have sex unprotected. You could meet the love of your life by simply deciding upon walking down the street weather to go right or left.

I know I've made some regrettable ones sure but you know considering where my life is now just which choices do I have to own up to. Just which choices have I made made my life unfold as it has. I feel what i've done and some of the choices and decisions i've made in my heart were right for me and right for the times and I think much of it I would do over again if not sooner.

 One can't possibly go through life trying to calculate, weigh and plan every choice and and pick based off the pay offs or consequences it will yeild. But perhaps life is about how we deal with the choices we've made and all how we choose to react.
 
 
 
 
 
 
How am I supposed to cope of feel after I've made the biggest mistake of my life. I deeply regret it and feel I only have myself to blame. I wonder did this happen because my own self esteem can be so low that I couldn't stand up for myself.

I know how guys are. Especiall tranny chasers and the ones from online. Most see and know of transexuals as being some sort of sexual object or as a fetish. There have been literally hundreds of times and oppourtunities before where guys had made sexual advances towards me. It's just that the day I went over to this guys Joe's house I had given in. I had seen his ad on craigslist thinking it was different and that he was different as it wasn't sexual in nature. He said in his ad that he was looking for a lifestyle change.  I thought and took that as in interpeting this as some sort of prospect for a serious relationship so i figured why not give this guy a chance and get to know him so I agreed to meet him.
 
 I never even planned to have sex with him. Anyways I met up with him at the Wendys on Alameda before you corss Wadsworth Bld cause he only lived around the corner and he said "Lets go to my place and watch a movie"
so I said okay thinking it would be just that

I ffigured why not take a chance since everyone claims I never do and am so god damned paranoid.  Perhaps its naive that I think I could make a guy date me and that i'm just full of stupidity and desperation. I feel I wasn't worthy enough for him to spend money on me so I agreed to go back to his place. I felt as if I coudl still be in control and nothing would happen because I didn't want anything to happen other than to just talk and get to know each other. 

It didn't happen that way because perhaps in my naievetee i thought I could maintain control. Shit happens and things got out of hand and I found myself in a position where I had lost control of the situation. Then he asks me do I like kissing and so he tries to kiss me.And I figure...what fucking harm in that so I kissed him and that was fucking TERRIBLE.  So then he pulled out his dick and he started sroking himself and he put my hand down there. I said to myself okaay...I'll just give him a hand job.

I wasnt threatened in a physcal way but he seemed dominaant. because I was at his place. Scared to say no to him and what he'd say or do me. So i ended up performing sexual acts and letting him damn near rape me because I felt like I had no choice. I hated ever every minute of it and I told him to stop and screaemd no but he continued anywayds. He pinned me down on the bed and I struggled to sit up and to move physically away from him but he forced it to happen wouldn't stop ater I told him to stop and how uncomfrotable it was. He proceeded and told me he needed to finish and that I would just eventually like it. But i had eventually managed to roll him off of me cause I wasn't having none of that. My saving grace I wonder was it my screaming out in pain got the attention of his neighbors because eventually they came knocking and banging on the door.
Thats when i took the oppourtunity to grab my clothes and run to the bathroom and redress.

I felt so violated afterwards and even now days later I feel like I can't take enough showers to wash away the memories. I feel like its something taken from me...although the experiance it meant absolutely nothing to me. I know something has been taken that I can't get back.  All I have now is pain as a reminder.I had intended on burning the sullied clothes I had worn. I'm not sure exactly what that will do to ease or soothe the pain in the long run but will make me feel better for the time being.

 But im not sure I will even be the same person after this and and how or when my life will go back to normal. I may have to see a therapist beyond the support of my loving friends.
I know i almost never want to be touched or kissed again. Especially if it lacks passion!

I don't seek out sexual relationships because I want so much and need so much more than something physical. I personally had the beleif that sexual relations are suppoed to be something  sacared and intimacy. As if you give away apart of your soul. I think partly my experiance was so bad because it was empty and souless.  To be loved and appreciated in a non sexual way. Perhaps only validation. Everyone has a need for love, to love or be loved. I don't see anyone who comes close to fufilling or caring those needs.

The only person I have to forgive is myself because I let it happen to myself. I just don't know when that will be..

 
 
 
 
 
 
Today is one of those days I want to curl up into a ball and cry because I'm in such deep debt and so many bills and my income is so pathetic. I can't afford to take care of myself really. Affording to have enough gas to go to work is hard enough. I can't make my car payment, I've never been able to pay off my student loans or make a payment.  I'm can't go back to college with out paying the bills i owe back. I'm royally fucked, since having bad has probably kept me from certain jobs. I have no solutions as to what to do anymore.I may have to take drastic measures like filling for bankruptcy.  
 
 
 
 
 
 

Am I strong person because I keep going on? Looking back II wonder why am I still here sometimes after the crap I've gone through. Perhaps most of it was emotional but to me it seemed like the end. I wonder how do I get up and go to work or leave my house everyday? But what is strength? Is it simply the ability to endure?

 How can you quantify this quality in people. Are jews strong people for enduring the holocaust? Does it come from being just a certain group/class of people like African American, being transgendered, or spat on, kicked down and trampled on? Once you define strength in context then just in contrast what is weakness?

 

On an individual basis does the ability to endure in the face of adversity. Think of all the examples of people like Barack Obama running for president, Dr. Martin Luther King struggle for civil rights, Jesus Christ spreading the word about the Kingdom of God.

 Sometimes we get upset when we don't get the things that we want in life.

Sometimes feel as if do we ask for more out of life than we deserve? Everyone deserves happiness and love. But I hate for anyone to tell me what I can and can't do. Who I  can and can not be?

"Why do we fall?... So we can pick ourselves up again"

Deja Vu...seems I never make much progress forwards, or sideways as much as just circular. Here I am a year later from when I applied for an Assistant Manager position at the Spirit Halloween store! Things didn't work out with my schedule and all so I didn't do it last here but here I am in need of a different job.

I'm at a loss as to where to apply for a job now I mean I could fill out applications for all the same retail, grocery stores and resturants I have been applying to for the past 5 years. Before it was about finding a job that is sustaining where I can make enough money to go back to school and finish my degree. I remember one day at Wal-mart i was determined to go back to school because I hated working in retail so much. I told myself I made up my mind right then and there I was going to get my Masters Degree. Of course things haven't gone according to plan.

The Irony out of it all I need a better job to go to school to get a better job. Except I'm not quallified for any specific or fancy job. I think i've been searching for some form of validation/approval through work that I'm not going to get. The question is am I supposed to just endure the job I have now.The question i have to ask myself...am I doing good enough or can I do better?

  

 

 
 
 
 
 
 
The Want List of things I really want!

1. To go back to college and finish my bachelors degree in Jazz Studies/Jazz Performance

2. To then obtain a Masters degree

3. My own place...(if I could afford it a house with a backyard).

4. A Piano

5. A five string Upright Bass

6. A new mattress

7. A Laptop

8. A shitload of Marvel comic books!

9. An Electric Bass Guitar

Beyond that guess I'm not all that materialistic!
 
 
 
 
 
 
ometimes I begin to feel that even me being transegendered has nothing to with the lowered expectations, dreams and ambitions, but just being a twenty year old something now. Things out of my control rising cost of college, gas, fewer good jobs.
 
Do people have too much of a sense of entitlement. That things and life should just click. Graduate highschool...go on to College and get a carear and everything else snaps in to place? Or is life what you make of it?

To many things happening in todays world that throw variables into this antique model for a perfect life. People mortgage and borrow their way into debt...I see now its all a lot of smoke and mirrors. .

As far as my life according to plan...well nothing has gone accordingly so. Ever get tired of being just complacent. Tired of mediocracy and tired of waiting for your turn, your moment, your dreams.

The plan right now....there isn't much of a plan but I have a new crappy job. Crappy in wages...crappy in hours they give me..crappy in task But I'm placing all my bets and hopes on it hopining that if I move up...I'll be able to reap some benefits. My big hope on going to college lies on a 25 cent/hour raise just to participate in college tuition reimbursement.

But you know sometimes i tell myself is this really the best that I can do at least for now. Im in a position and point where I need a career more than a job. Perhaps I need for the boost of self esteem, and the security it would seem to offer. There might be a possiblity of a 2nd job for me to teach music...but its a long shot and I don't expect it to pay much but if it ends up working out...I'll do it because its something I'd want to do and enjoy. But for now I'm putting in applications elsewhere but being that i've been turned away and turned down from so many jobs I'm not really all that opptimistic about finding something that much better.
 
 
 
 
 
 

I'm starting a new job yesterday at Harkins Theatre and it means alot of changes in my life. Before any time that I got a job I was always excited  This time around I'm not as excited...maybe because I've been through the ups and downs of gettings a "new job" before. I'm back to being terrified...what will this job do to me?. What will it mean for my future

Some of my goals here and there that were accomplished because of being employed and some that were not. Before I just needed a job that was sustaining where I could make enough money to go to school and learn a skill, get a degree or something to get a better job. Irony I always needed a better job to go to school to get a better job than I can get now. Or to pay for hormones, for my car...or to potentially move out.

I always worry about fitting in, of course when I went to apply I saw a the most flamming gay guy behind the desk at Customer Service and I thought to myself...hell if he works here and is accepted than I have to work here. Everything must of worked out cause I got hired myself..

 

Everyone was nice to me yesterday at Orientation so maybe it won't be so bad...but then again all the people I will be working with are 17 years old or so and a much more diverse workforce/clientelle than in the suburbs.. Yeah usually I expect it to be hostile enviorment in some way or form from either co-workers or customers. Maybe thats just me always be defensive. I was told durring orientation that its a "stress free and no tolerance of violence, harrasment or intimidation in the work place".

 This time around there are a lot of positive things that are different from the times I was employed before like the ENDA(The Employment Non Discrimination Act) signed into law by Colorado Governer Bill Ritter. The pending Colorado Senate Bill 200 which allows transgendered people from being discriminated against from using public accomodations like bathrooms and such so perhaps there is a silver lining in the cloud somewhere..